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Friday, May 16, 2008

E.F. vs. F.F.

A newlywed couple were on their honeymoon in Vegas. They were checking into the hotel, when they began to argue. The wife started shouting "E.F. !" "NO!...F.F.!" argued the husband. This went on for a while..."E.F.", "NO! F.F.!" ."E.F.", " F.F.!" The hotel clerk finally interupted and said, "What in the world are you guys arguing about?" The husband replied, "She wants to eat first."
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Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Two Priests were fishing, when one of them caught a huge fish. "Look of the size of that sonofabitch!" He said. The other priest looked at him with disapproval, and scolded him, "Watch your language." "But that's the name of the fish." He said. When they returned from their fishing trip, they told the nun, "The pope is coming to dinner, can you cook this sonofabitch?" The nun was shocked that the priests would use such foul language. "That's the name of the fish." they said. So the nun cooked the fish. When the pope arrived for dinner, he complimented the fish. "I'm glad you like it." said the preist. "I caught the sonofabitch." "I cooked the sonofabitch." said the nun, to which the pope responded "You know what? You fuckers are alright."
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Monday, May 12, 2008

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb
A: Just one, but the lightbulb has to WANT to change
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Thursday, May 8, 2008

Geographical Oddity

Two men were enjoying some drinks at a bar on the top floor of the Empire State Building. One of the gentlemen said, "Did you know that because of the earth's polarity and wind current in this exact location, you can jump out of the window and you won't hit the ground?" "Yeah, right!" the other man said in disbelief. "Watch! I'll show you" he said. So he walked towards the window and jumped out. Sure enough, instead of plummeting to the ground, he circled around the building and got sucked back up into the window. "Wow!" said the other gentleman. "That's amazing!" and so HE walked towards the window and jumped out. Instead of circling around the building and racing back to the top floor, he sank like a rock and fell to the concrete below." The bartender looks at the first guy and says, "Superman, you're a jerk when you're drunk"
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Wednesday, May 7, 2008

The Koala Bear and the Prostitute

A Koala bear decided to visit a prostitute. They got a hotel room and got undressed. The Koala bear went down on the prostitute for about 30 minutes and then got up and got up and headed towards the door. The prostitute said, "Hey, what about my money!" The koala bear was confused and said. "what money?" "I'm a prostitute" she said. The koala bear said, "So, what's that have to do with anything?" "Look up prostitute in the dictionary." She said. "It says 'has sex for money'". "Oh yeah?" said the Koala Bear. "I'm a koala bear. Look THAT up in the dictionary. It says 'eats bushes and leaves'.
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Tuesday, May 6, 2008

A duck walks into a bar...

...and asks the bartender, "Do you have any duck food?" The bartender replied, "No we don't because we don't allow ducks in here. Please leave.", so the duck left. The next day the duck came back and asked again, "Do you have any duck food?" annoyed, the bartender said, "I told you we don't have duck food yesterday, so don't come back." The duck came back day after day for a week. Finally, the bartender says, "Listen, duck. If you come back here again, I'll nail your feet to the bar." The very next day, the duck walks into the bar and said, "Do you have any nails?" The bartender looks around and says, "sorry we're all out." "Well," said the duck, "Do you have any duck food?"

Monday, May 5, 2008

The Theory of Evolution

A young child asked his Mother where humans come from. "That's Easy." She Said. "We are made in the image of God. He created us and that's all there is to it." Just to be sure, the young boy asked his father. "Dad. Where do humans come from?". "Thats Easy" he said. "We are descendants from apes and evolved into a higher species." Now even more confused, he went back to his mother and said. "I don't understand. You said we come from God. Dad says we come from apes." To which the mother replied. "Oh, I was speaking about MY side of the family."
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Friday, May 2, 2008

Me oui

Q: If you're chinese when you go in to the bathroom and you're japanese when you come out of, what are you when you're in the bathroom?

A: European

Thursday, May 1, 2008

The Deaf Couple

A newly married deaf couple were discussing their sex life. Because they found it difficult to speak in sign language in the dark, they had to find a new way to communicate. "I know!" the wife said. Any time you want to have sex, just reach over and squeeze my breast 2 times. "That sounds good." said the Husband. "And if there's ever a time that you DON'T want to have sex, just reach over and tug on my penis 300 times. If you thought this joke was funny, visit a sponsor!

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

$10,000 and a coconut

An old married couple was cleaning out their closet. After clearing out most of the junk, they found a shoe box with $10,000 and a coconut in it.
"Whats this?" the wife asked.
The husband replied, "Every time I cheated on you, I put a coconut in a shoe box."
"Well", said the wife. " I guess one coconut in 35 years isn't that bad. What's the money for?"
The husband admitted, "Everytime the box got full, I sold the coconuts."
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Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Blonde Jokes are Wrong

One day at the office, a blonde woman said, "You know what? I'm sick of people saying that blondes are stupid. I'll Prove to you we're just as smart as anybody else. Give me any state and I'll tell you the capital."

"Ok", said a co-worker. "How about Texas?"

The blonde woman looked smug and stated proudly, "That's easy. It's 'T'! "

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